| I think I need some rest, Harold. |
[26 Apr 2004|06:06pm] |
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mood |
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Oh, tired, Harold. |
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Harold.
..Harold?
HAROLD OPEN THE DOAH NOW Oh don't you give me THAT, I can see ya right thru the window an all. Don't you--Don't--Harold, this is yeh last chance, open this doah or I'm gonna call the police, now which dya want?
..Oh fer Chris'sake, Harold, put on some pants, will ya? No, I wil--NO, I WILL NOT--Harold, yeh gonna shut up an lissen a me if ya don' want yeh feet bent sideways.
Harold. Sit down, there's som--HAROLD are ya listenin t'me? Right, right, ya go put some clothes on. I'll be waitin. BUT THAT'S ALL, YA HEAH ME? I DON' WAN NO SKIDDELY DOO UP THEH. Ooh, what's heah?
Aright, siddown. No, it won't take but five minutes, theh's just something I wanna discuss with you. Well, now, y--shh--you--no, shh, I said, I won't be a minnit--yeh may have been wonderin wheh I've been the past few months, an granted, I did'n give you much warning, but I assumed we had enough Little Liby in the freezeh... you eatin right, dear? I been worried about yeh. Yea, you look great, jes great. Aright, so I tell ya wheh I been.
So I was standin on the corner of 54th an Main (you know, where the Grosheh stoah meets those Greek sonsuvbitches, always causin trouble.. like they did to little Ronnie Upswaith, you remembeh Ronnie, deah. The sandbox, yea!) Well, I was standin there with a roast beef in onea my ahms and my umbrella in the otheh (it was rainin, always rainin heah) waiting to cross the road, an this ol guy stops in his cah and says to me, he says I gotta nice hunka meat theh, an even tho I was wonderin how he saw inside my grosery bag, I say well yeah, cost only fi'dollah, too, whadda ya know. Well, I guess this guy been gettin really swindled on his meat, cause he say he's been gettin it for at leas twenny bucks, an even then it's a pretty nasty side a beef, if I know what he means. I say, well, yea, I know whatcha mean, I had plenny of bad slabs in my time, an he say oh really. Yea, really, I said, I eat any kind, an I whisper all soft (cause he's pahked by the side now) that maybe I shouldn' cause it's against my religion, an he say it don' mattah as long as you've got an open mind. Well, remember that, Harold, cause it was the first word a truth I hehd that day, an I'm not even counting Edna's compliment on my hat, cause I know it's a bit flippy on the side. So this guy say he's got some extra meat back home, if I wanna shah that with'im, an I say ain't it the nasty kind? No, i's the really good kind, tha's why he keep it, and he's pretty sure it'd be aright if we had it at the same time, if I know what he mean. Well, yea, I know whatcha mean still, I speak Englis, don'I? He say, well get intha cah and he'll cook my meat for me. I say OK an geddin, cause it save me the walk lateh.
So we'h drivin back to his apahtment an I ask if he's in the meat bizness. He say, no, not like you, sweetheaht, an I staht blushin all oveh, cause he thought I was in the meat bizness! I guess I was talkin so much about what I knew that he thought I was a butcheh or something. Me, a butcheh! Well, I don' tell him cause I says to myself, Mildred, maybe he staht payin you to buy his meat or somethin. He just don' needa know wheh I get it. You know, like a grosery boy, only a gal. I stahts gettin all excited an I actually giggle ouloud, an he looks ame an says yeh really ankus, ahn't ya? I nod an smile even tho he says a word I don understan, and he stahts speedin up, cause maybe he's all ankus or whatevah too. What a nice man.. oh, i's such a shame, Harold, theh ahn't more in the world.
But the next momen I look up, and theh's a cah wreck right smack in tha middle of the road, an I staht gettin mad cause my pot roast is gettin all soggy, so I says to'im my meat's gettin all wet, an he says heah? alREADY? So we'h stopped behind all these cahs an the next thing'e does is he stahts KISSIN me! The nehve! An he's talkin all growly an he says to take off my brests, an I say what? I can'take em off. An he says WHAT real loud an he PUTS HIS HAND.. theh, Harold. He put his hand DOWN THEH. An his face gets all pale an he says you're a woman? An I says of coahse I am, whaddaya think I look like? An then he says ta git outta the cah. So I scream att'im whattaya mean git out, what about the meat? Then he said it, Harold. He said THE WORD. He says ta fudge the meat, an you know whatti mean when I says that. Stop grinnin, Harold, you'll get warts.
So I just done had it then, heah's this man feels me up an then stahts cuhsin all oveh the place, so I says THAT'S IT, MISTEH, you may've kiss me and put yeh hand theh, but you don't cuhs around a LADY, an he says tha's jes the problem, that I am a lady, an I says, well whaddaya prefer, a dame who weahs all leatheh and cuhses all ovah the place? An he says no, I wanned a man, an I stops him right theh (cause I know he's gotta be sahcastic) an I says DON'T you mess with me an I hittim upside the head with my roas beef, an I guess I jes seprised him so bad that'e slams down on the accellerator an the next thing I know, we hit the cah ahead of us straight on at fohty-five miles an ouah.
Well, I was weahrin my seatbelt, an of coahs, that man wasn', an he go over the steerin wheel all bent ovah, an I'm jes so mad that I try openin the doah (it wouldn't work, so I cracked a window with my purse) an I jes storm off. Nex thing I know, I'm all lost an I don't know wheh I am, so I heads back to the wreck an by the time I get theh, the police is all ovah it, so I hide in the alley all quick, cause I mighta got arrested for impehsenating a butcheh, an it's jes then that I remember the roas beef still sittin in that man's lap. I says to myself, that cos a good fi'dollahs an yeh just gonna let it go like that? Ya got Harold to feed, an what's he gonna do if ya don't feed him? (That was back befoah Little Libby, remembah) But I don' wanna get arrested, ya see, so I wait a while and watch. Well, soon they take out the man an then the roas beef, which they put in a baggie (policemen are so thoughtful, Harold) an they put im and the people in front on a big cah. So I wipe some of the blood off my face, an I says to the nearest officeh, so wheh's they takin the body, an he looks at me all funny an says the city moague or somethin like that. I wondeh where it is, I say, cause I'm his wife's frien an I left somethin in his.. pocket. (I almost said "lap" but I thought that mighta been too obvious.) He gives me directions an says all the belongings ah going to the moague too, an I say thankya, officer, I'll be sure ta tell 'is wife, don'you worry.
Well, I'm too smaht for mosta those policemen an I know they'd be expectin me to come by and get the roas while they was still theh, but I'm too smaht, like I says. I tell ya what I do, I go to J.C. Penny's (again) an I tell em I'm lookin for some pehfume. Well, I'm really lookin for an apron an a hat, but I'm too smaht for them to catch me. So they show me some fancy French perfume and try it on, an boy does it smell good. But i's so strong, too, Harold, I couldn't get it off. Well, I say I has to go to the bathroom an I be right back, but when I turn the corneh, I go upstairs to the clothes depahtment an staht lookin around. I finally see an apron on sale an I put it in my basket, but I know they'll be expectin it, too, so I put in a black dress with all these spahkely things on it (oh, it looked so good, Harold) an then these sunglasses that was all thick on the outside, and then the hat I needed on top.
I go to the checkout an put the basket on the desk an the guy looks at me all funny, an I says, OH it's not to impersonate a butcheh, no, we'h havin a costume pahty, an it's all legal. He only looks at me funnier, so I staht laughin and writin a check. I say how much an he says i's only fifteen cause of the sale. (It was practically a steal, Harold, an it beats goin to jail.) I write the check an leave before he can catch on, jes in case someone on the radio gave a wahning or somethin.
So I find the moague an I put on my apron an hat, but then I realize I don' got any blood! Wha's a butcheh without blood? Well, I won' tell ya what I did, Harold, but I tell ya, I got a lotta blood and put it all ovah the apron so I look like a real butcheh and all. Now I had a big plan, Harold, I would go inside when it was dahk, so no one would see me, and then I'd tell the pehson behind the counter that I was heah about the new man, cause he had bought a roas beef from me but he fehgot to pay fer it, so could I just please take the roas beef back from his 'belongings.' So it's about evenin now, an it's gettin dahk, an I go inside and sees theh's a lady behind the reception desk. I go up to heh and says I'm heah about the new man, an she looks up an jumps a little an says oh, yeh heah already, we was expectin you a little lateh. I was a little scahd but I realized they must've linked the roas beef back to me an when she saw me she knew I was comin back fer it, and she guessed it was all right cause I looked like a butcheh. So I says to 'er quite all right (I was tryin to talk like a butcheh, too), i's notta problem at all, mehdame, lead away. An she takes me past these big metal doahs, the kind that swing when ya push em, ya know, an she takes me back to this stretcheh with a sheet on it. She says, ther'e is, i's all up to you, an she leaves. I look aroun, but I can't find the roas beef anywheh, so I look undeh the stretcheh, and sure enough, there it is, still in the bag. Sure, it was wahm now, but I poked it to make sure it was aright. My hands got a little bloody from the roast, tho, so I wipe my fingahs on the sheet and take the bag. Well, it had thawed so much that when I picked it up, it dripped all ovah the place, including the sheet, an it was all bloody by now, so I figure I should go now before I make more of a mess. But jes then the doahs swing open an the police come through with a man all dressed in docteh's clothes, an they look at me an ask what the hell ah yeh doin, lady? An I say nothing anymore, I'm jes takin this home feh dinneh, an I smile a little so they don't get any angrier with me. Well, you'll never believe it, Harold, but they knew who I was cause the policemen stahted pulling out theh guns. Well, like I said befoah, I'm too smaht for em, so I hide beside the stretcheh cause the sheet hang all the way down to the floah, an I wheel it ovah to one of the rows of storage (now, why they would take a dead body to a storage garage in the first place is a bit weihd) an leave it theh and run to the otheh side. Well, they're chasing afteh that, and in the meantime, I run out the otheh side and through the swingy metal doors before they could catch me. Problem is, I left the roast again. But now I di'nt care. I jes wanted out.
Oh deah Loahd, is it really that late, Harold? Well, I'll tell you the rest of the story tomorrow, maybe, Harold. You jes go ta sleep.
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| Sacrament, my a--.. foot. |
[12 Dec 2003|06:27pm] |
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Pehverts, all of 'em! I'm thru with the Episcopals, Harold, an you can mahk me on that. It was the wrong hole, an what's moah, he di'n't even mind. Tha's right, I'm goin Catholic. ..or Baptist. But then you'd be the one worryin about that, Harold.
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| Illegitimate? Tell me moah, don't spare details. |
[11 Dec 2003|05:34pm] |
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mood |
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Smiley all ovah! Love you all! |
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Ohhh lookit my hat, lookit my hat, Harold! I tol you it'a look good with the blue, tha's what all the girls say today! Yeah, the one with the bird's nest, like I say this mornin, it'll be the hit of the pahty. Ohh, I didn't tell ya? Yeah, I had all the girls oveh today, play bridge. I tell ya, Harold, those girls are great, but they forgit a lot, ya know? Like this mornin after, uh, you go to school, I call Jennifeh- oh she's my fav-ah-rit, Harold, with that little laugh of hehs an all- but I call er and says, I says, hey, you comin for bridge today, Jen? Oh and gawd, she says she totally forgit the bridge an was havin people oveh instead! But I tells Jen, hon, you bring whoeveh you want, I gotta big place. So she kinda stutter and say she'll be right there. Gotta love Jen. An so I calls everyone else, cause what if they forgit too? What'll I do all day? I calls and they all forgit too! I tell ya, those girls are really somethin.. but then they all show up, an Jen says her people gotta go, so she came alone. Hope it wasn't cause of me, but oh well. An everyone else show up, gotta love those girls, an they say how much they love the hat an we get talking so much we forgit about the game entirely and staht talkin about clothes! Oh, don't shift like that, Harold, you know it makes me nervous.. anyway, we all talkin about clothes and Ginny say what about the dahn game? Well, I tell ya, Harold, we all laugh so hahd I near fall out of my chaih, laughin so hahd, like I said. That Ginny. Gotta love the girls. But turns out they all gotta go, somethin about a sale down at Macy's. So I tells em, lemme git my jacket an I come too, but then they all turn serious an say they can't tell me why, but I gotta stay home, what with Christmas an all. An I'm not blind, I can tell what they was tryin to say.. they were buyin me a gift! I preten like I don't know what they're doing, so staht cleaning up an tell em ta have fun at Macy's an say hi to Santa for me, and sos they all leave. An jus five minutes later, when I'm cleaning up, I notice Hellen's scahf! So I says to myself, I says, Mildred, you go to Macy's and you give'r the scahf, then you can spy on em and see what you're gettin. I figures with myself, all right an I hop into the cah and drive oveh to Macy's- ten minutes this time, Harold, but it's fatheh away. They's good about cleanin up the snow, arerun't they? An when I get to Macy's I go inside an look for the girls, an turns out theh's none of em inside! They was always fast shoppers, Harold, an by the looks of the hat rack, I jus figured either a hurricaine had been thru there or my girls was lookin for the perfect hat. So I steps in line to see Santa Claus, Harold. I remembah when I was just a little girl standing in line to see Santa with my mothah, an bein all impatient and then when you get there, it's not all it's cracked up to be? So I stand in line with all the kiddies, gawd, they was cute, an I says to myself, I'm gonna say hi to Santa and jus thank im. I mean, with all those kids, an all those people makin fun of im, an all the toys and all the time, he must be tiehd. So I wait some more, an when I finally reach im, he ask me where my kid is, an I tell'im Harold's at school, thank you very much. An I go an sit on his lap. Oh, it was like I was a little girl again, I jus wanna giggle. I think I did, too. Was all nice then, Harold, all wahm and really quiet, like evryone jus stopped for a sec. So I just tell im thanks for evrything, Santa, and kiss im on the cheek an get up. I felt so nice, I even forgot t'stop by Hellen's to give'r the scahf, sos I leave it on the rack when I get home an leave a message on er machine an say we girls should get together again, real innocent-like, like I don't know what's happenin, an I get off the phone and staht a fire, jus really happy. An I get to thinkin, like I sometimes do, Harold, an I come to thinkin that maybe we really do need Santa Claus. Not jus for presents but for that feelin like I'm a little girl again. Then I start cleanin up and I look back at the scahf, all bright and wahm, an I staht smiling all over. An I think, gotta love those girls.
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| Mouth closed, young man. |
[10 Dec 2003|05:51pm] |
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mood |
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A bit bloody, actually. |
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So I go to the store today to get some meat, ya know, Harold, the one down five blocks down from the pahtment with the big windows? I go down there to get some meat and it's closed! An' I'm standing here in the cold and that red and green jacket, it bein Christmas an all, tho it ain't really wam enough after snow- I'm standing theh in front of those big windows and I'm jus mad as hell cause I drove fifteen minutes over there- fifteen, Harold, and five blocks away! In the snow, no less. An then I don't know how it happen but then I see something in the window, those big windows, the meat counter, no one there, of course, it bein closed still, but then theh was somethin else that really bugged me, Harold. Spraypainted on the window, that really rough kind that you liked ta touch, Harold? but I wouldn't let ya cause it always sounded so gawdaful with your nails and all, spraypainted there was these big numbehs: 15% OFF BEEF an I jus went haywiah, Harold, with the sign and the cold and the fifteen minutes in the Cadillac- for five blocks, Harold! I bang that window with my purse, right on the nose, an I guess I was carrying those little 10 poun weights you gave me last Christmas (case anyone got frisky, remembah, Harold?) cause the window just go BAM an it shatters all ovah the floor, even in my shoes, Harold, my shoes an tha's when all heck broke loose cause this big alahm stated buzzing all over the place an you could hear it everywhere! Now I was a bit scared cause I got that glass in my high heels, and since they usually don't let me slip I was afraid it might keep the glass in there- you know, the black ones- and might cut my feet and give me lukemia or something in all that cold air and snow, so I ran ovah to the car and tried to drive with the weights, an it worked for a little bit until I got to the stop sign two minutes later, an there was already a policeman coming cause of the alahm, I guess, but he stopped me an said he was in a hurry, so I should just take the ticket and leave im. So I told him, "I'm sarry, officer, but my feet are bleedin, so I can't really drive well, or break," an he say it's okay, you OK, lady? So I tell him, yeah, I'm OK, I jus hafta get home. So we both go cause we're both in a hurry, and when I got home, Harold, I was in such a rush about my feet that I left my purse inside the store where it landed! So I go all the way back, an it only took me ten minutes then cause I was in a hurry and I took the shoes off at home- my feet are OK, by the way, Harold- an I get there and the policeman has my purse, but he's lookin in it, too! The nerve! So I tells him, can I have my purse back an he recognizes me again, an I'm coming towahd him barefoot, an he says what you doing here, lady? I grabbed the purse from him an he tells me to hand it ovah again or he'll give me two fines, one for the drivin and one for takin the purse. Well, I've just had it up to here with this guy, so I takes the purse and I hit him oveh the head with it, and I guess the 10 poun weights were still there, cause he kinda fell oveh, bleeding from the head and ouch that's gotta hurt. So I feel kinda sorry for him cause I felt the same in my foot an all and I didn't want im to get cancer or something out theh in the cold, so I takes him inside the store careful as I can an only scrape him a little oveh the glass- he was heavy, Harold, don't gimme that. So I lay him down on the floor, an all the blood makes me think of the butcha, an I'm standing right in front of the meat counter. I take my purse and checked- yeah, the weights weh still there!- so I takes the purse and smash open the window there an I can't find the steaks, Harold! So I takes the ground beef an I put on the policeman about 5 dollas- yeah, I know it's cheap, but they shouldn't'a been closed, ya know? I tells the policeman to give the money to the butcha when they open, but I don't think he gave it to im the next day, cause there's something on the news next day about a robbery. Well, ya can't blame me about the money, he took it forimself! I tol ya, I knew he was a rat all along, lookin through a lady's purse like that. Yeah. So in short, Harold, we're having hamburgers for dinneh, what you want with it?
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