I think I need some rest, Harold.

2004-04-26T22:32:11Z

Harold.

..Harold?

HAROLD OPEN THE DOAH NOW Oh don't you give me THAT, I can see ya right thru the window an all. Don't you--Don't--Harold, this is yeh last chance, open this doah or I'm gonna call the police, now which dya want?

..Oh fer Chris'sake, Harold, put on some pants, will ya? No, I wil--NO, I WILL NOT--Harold, yeh gonna shut up an lissen a me if ya don' want yeh feet bent sideways.

Harold. Sit down, there's som--HAROLD are ya listenin t'me? Right, right, ya go put some clothes on. I'll be waitin. BUT THAT'S ALL, YA HEAH ME? I DON' WAN NO SKIDDELY DOO UP THEH. Ooh, what's heah?

Aright, siddown. No, it won't take but five minutes, theh's just something I wanna discuss with you. Well, now, y--shh--you--no, shh, I said, I won't be a minnit--yeh may have been wonderin wheh I've been the past few months, an granted, I did'n give you much warning, but I assumed we had enough Little Liby in the freezeh... you eatin right, dear? I been worried about yeh. Yea, you look great, jes great. Aright, so I tell ya wheh I been.

So I was standin on the corner of 54th an Main (you know, where the Grosheh stoah meets those Greek sonsuvbitches, always causin trouble.. like they did to little Ronnie Upswaith, you remembeh Ronnie, deah. The sandbox, yea!) Well, I was standin there with a roast beef in onea my ahms and my umbrella in the otheh (it was rainin, always rainin heah) waiting to cross the road, an this ol guy stops in his cah and says to me, he says I gotta nice hunka meat theh, an even tho I was wonderin how he saw inside my grosery bag, I say well yeah, cost only fi'dollah, too, whadda ya know. Well, I guess this guy been gettin really swindled on his meat, cause he say he's been gettin it for at leas twenny bucks, an even then it's a pretty nasty side a beef, if I know what he means. I say, well, yea, I know whatcha mean, I had plenny of bad slabs in my time, an he say oh really. Yea, really, I said, I eat any kind, an I whisper all soft (cause he's pahked by the side now) that maybe I shouldn' cause it's against my religion, an he say it don' mattah as long as you've got an open mind. Well, remember that, Harold, cause it was the first word a truth I hehd that day, an I'm not even counting Edna's compliment on my hat, cause I know it's a bit flippy on the side. So this guy say he's got some extra meat back home, if I wanna shah that with'im, an I say ain't it the nasty kind? No, i's the really good kind, tha's why he keep it, and he's pretty sure it'd be aright if we had it at the same time, if I know what he mean. Well, yea, I know whatcha mean still, I speak Englis, don'I? He say, well get intha cah and he'll cook my meat for me. I say OK an geddin, cause it save me the walk lateh.

So we'h drivin back to his apahtment an I ask if he's in the meat bizness. He say, no, not like you, sweetheaht, an I staht blushin all oveh, cause he thought I was in the meat bizness! I guess I was talkin so much about what I knew that he thought I was a butcheh or something. Me, a butcheh! Well, I don' tell him cause I says to myself, Mildred, maybe he staht payin you to buy his meat or somethin. He just don' needa know wheh I get it. You know, like a grosery boy, only a gal. I stahts gettin all excited an I actually giggle ouloud, an he looks ame an says yeh really ankus, ahn't ya? I nod an smile even tho he says a word I don understan, and he stahts speedin up, cause maybe he's all ankus or whatevah too. What a nice man.. oh, i's such a shame, Harold, theh ahn't more in the world.

But the next momen I look up, and theh's a cah wreck right smack in tha middle of the road, an I staht gettin mad cause my pot roast is gettin all soggy, so I says to'im my meat's gettin all wet, an he says heah? alREADY? So we'h stopped behind all these cahs an the next thing'e does is he stahts KISSIN me! The nehve! An he's talkin all growly an he says to take off my brests, an I say what? I can'take em off. An he says WHAT real loud an he PUTS HIS HAND.. theh, Harold. He put his hand DOWN THEH. An his face gets all pale an he says you're a woman? An I says of coahse I am, whaddaya think I look like? An then he says ta git outta the cah. So I scream att'im whattaya mean git out, what about the meat? Then he said it, Harold. He said THE WORD. He says ta fudge the meat, an you know whatti mean when I says that. Stop grinnin, Harold, you'll get warts.

So I just done had it then, heah's this man feels me up an then stahts cuhsin all oveh the place, so I says THAT'S IT, MISTEH, you may've kiss me and put yeh hand theh, but you don't cuhs around a LADY, an he says tha's jes the problem, that I am a lady, an I says, well whaddaya prefer, a dame who weahs all leatheh and cuhses all ovah the place? An he says no, I wanned a man, an I stops him right theh (cause I know he's gotta be sahcastic) an I says DON'T you mess with me an I hittim upside the head with my roas beef, an I guess I jes seprised him so bad that'e slams down on the accellerator an the next thing I know, we hit the cah ahead of us straight on at fohty-five miles an ouah.

Well, I was weahrin my seatbelt, an of coahs, that man wasn', an he go over the steerin wheel all bent ovah, an I'm jes so mad that I try openin the doah (it wouldn't work, so I cracked a window with my purse) an I jes storm off. Nex thing I know, I'm all lost an I don't know wheh I am, so I heads back to the wreck an by the time I get theh, the police is all ovah it, so I hide in the alley all quick, cause I mighta got arrested for impehsenating a butcheh, an it's jes then that I remember the roas beef still sittin in that man's lap. I says to myself, that cos a good fi'dollahs an yeh just gonna let it go like that? Ya got Harold to feed, an what's he gonna do if ya don't feed him? (That was back befoah Little Libby, remembah) But I don' wanna get arrested, ya see, so I wait a while and watch. Well, soon they take out the man an then the roas beef, which they put in a baggie (policemen are so thoughtful, Harold) an they put im and the people in front on a big cah. So I wipe some of the blood off my face, an I says to the nearest officeh, so wheh's they takin the body, an he looks at me all funny an says the city moague or somethin like that. I wondeh where it is, I say, cause I'm his wife's frien an I left somethin in his.. pocket. (I almost said "lap" but I thought that mighta been too obvious.) He gives me directions an says all the belongings ah going to the moague too, an I say thankya, officer, I'll be sure ta tell 'is wife, don'you worry.

Well, I'm too smaht for mosta those policemen an I know they'd be expectin me to come by and get the roas while they was still theh, but I'm too smaht, like I says. I tell ya what I do, I go to J.C. Penny's (again) an I tell em I'm lookin for some pehfume. Well, I'm really lookin for an apron an a hat, but I'm too smaht for them to catch me. So they show me some fancy French perfume and try it on, an boy does it smell good. But i's so strong, too, Harold, I couldn't get it off. Well, I say I has to go to the bathroom an I be right back, but when I turn the corneh, I go upstairs to the clothes depahtment an staht lookin around. I finally see an apron on sale an I put it in my basket, but I know they'll be expectin it, too, so I put in a black dress with all these spahkely things on it (oh, it looked so good, Harold) an then these sunglasses that was all thick on the outside, and then the hat I needed on top.

I go to the checkout an put the basket on the desk an the guy looks at me all funny, an I says, OH it's not to impersonate a butcheh, no, we'h havin a costume pahty, an it's all legal. He only looks at me funnier, so I staht laughin and writin a check. I say how much an he says i's only fifteen cause of the sale. (It was practically a steal, Harold, an it beats goin to jail.) I write the check an leave before he can catch on, jes in case someone on the radio gave a wahning or somethin.

So I find the moague an I put on my apron an hat, but then I realize I don' got any blood! Wha's a butcheh without blood? Well, I won' tell ya what I did, Harold, but I tell ya, I got a lotta blood and put it all ovah the apron so I look like a real butcheh and all. Now I had a big plan, Harold, I would go inside when it was dahk, so no one would see me, and then I'd tell the pehson behind the counter that I was heah about the new man, cause he had bought a roas beef from me but he fehgot to pay fer it, so could I just please take the roas beef back from his 'belongings.' So it's about evenin now, an it's gettin dahk, an I go inside and sees theh's a lady behind the reception desk. I go up to heh and says I'm heah about the new man, an she looks up an jumps a little an says oh, yeh heah already, we was expectin you a little lateh. I was a little scahd but I realized they must've linked the roas beef back to me an when she saw me she knew I was comin back fer it, and she guessed it was all right cause I looked like a butcheh. So I says to 'er quite all right (I was tryin to talk like a butcheh, too), i's notta problem at all, mehdame, lead away. An she takes me past these big metal doahs, the kind that swing when ya push em, ya know, an she takes me back to this stretcheh with a sheet on it. She says, ther'e is, i's all up to you, an she leaves. I look aroun, but I can't find the roas beef anywheh, so I look undeh the stretcheh, and sure enough, there it is, still in the bag. Sure, it was wahm now, but I poked it to make sure it was aright. My hands got a little bloody from the roast, tho, so I wipe my fingahs on the sheet and take the bag. Well, it had thawed so much that when I picked it up, it dripped all ovah the place, including the sheet, an it was all bloody by now, so I figure I should go now before I make more of a mess. But jes then the doahs swing open an the police come through with a man all dressed in docteh's clothes, an they look at me an ask what the hell ah yeh doin, lady? An I say nothing anymore, I'm jes takin this home feh dinneh, an I smile a little so they don't get any angrier with me. Well, you'll never believe it, Harold, but they knew who I was cause the policemen stahted pulling out theh guns. Well, like I said befoah, I'm too smaht for em, so I hide beside the stretcheh cause the sheet hang all the way down to the floah, an I wheel it ovah to one of the rows of storage (now, why they would take a dead body to a storage garage in the first place is a bit weihd) an leave it theh and run to the otheh side. Well, they're chasing afteh that, and in the meantime, I run out the otheh side and through the swingy metal doors before they could catch me. Problem is, I left the roast again. But now I di'nt care. I jes wanted out.

Oh deah Loahd, is it really that late, Harold? Well, I'll tell you the rest of the story tomorrow, maybe, Harold. You jes go ta sleep.

Mildred Dear

I think I need some rest, Harold.